When I started looking into the different methods of delivery I chose to make a natural-birthing plan (even found a natural birthing doctor). My plan was to let labor start spontaneously, so I outlined a long list that included things like, delayed cord clamping, no induction, no pitocin, no epidural, no cutting, and only have the doctor here basically to catch! And, I know it may sound crazy, but I planned on just using prayer for pain-management.
Everything was looking good up until my due date came, and then swiftly passed. My doctor knew I didn't want to be induced, so at my 40 week visit he set an appointment to come in for an ultrasound the next week to make sure the amniotic fluid levels were high enough (we'd suspected a slow leak), and if everything looked good we'd continue to wait it out. The day of the ultrasound I had a big knot in my stomach and I kept thinking about all the risks involved in continuing to wait, and trying to weigh just how important it was to me to avoid induction. When I got in there and saw her little face again the knot went away and I decided if the verdict was induction I would be okay with it- it was like a wave of warm acceptance came over me about it. It's a good thing too, because when the doctor came into the room with the results he had a concerned look on his face. He brought up the photos from the ultrasound and a graph showing what is considered "normal" levels of fluid, then said that the amniotic fluid surrounding my daughter was dangerously low and we'd risk her health if we didn't induce. So, we made a plan to induce the next morning. I really think the release of anxiety about induction I'd had during the ultrasound was God preparing me for this.
So, early the next morning, at 41 weeks and 1 day, I was induced. I made sure the nurses knew I was not going to be using any kind of pain medications. I even joked that if I heard them say anything that started with epi- I was going to throw things (epi-pen, epi-phany, etc..) I did exactly what I planned, prayed through the contractions. When I felt one coming I zoned out and just kept thinking, "Lord help me through this. You sacrificed for me, so my pain for you".. and it got me through almost 18 hours. When the doctor came in to check my dialation not only had I not progressed, but the baby had still not dropped into position in my pelvis. That's also when we noticed the baby's heart rate was getting weaker. For the next couple of hours it was a lot of tears and waiting for dialation and her little heartrate just kept dropping. Finally my doctor came in again and said that with her heartrate dropping so fast it would be a poor decision to wait any longer, that he had to advise an cesarean immediately. My nightmare!
So, up to this point I'd been induced, had my water broken, had nurses intervening every hour checking dialation, and now I was going to have to get an epidural AND they were going to have to cut into me for an emergency c-section. I tried to do it my way, I really did, but obviously my plan just wasn't going to happen.
They prepped me for surgery quickly, but the epidural only took on 1/2 of my body so I ended up with a spinal. When they wheeled me into the OR my support group got held up, so I had to go through it all alone. Again, totally NOT what I had planned. The thing that kept going through my mind was that my body had failed. I had failed. Was there something I could have done differently? It was terrifying. I had my heart set on things going one way and everything was just falling apart.
They positioned the light above me for the doctors and put up the blind so I wouldn't see them operate, but the position of the light actually gave me a perfect view of everything they were doing through the reflection in the glass. I saw them make that first incision, then they rearranged my organs onto my stomach to better reach my uterus, and finally make the cut into my womb that brought my baby into the world. I saw her little arm come out first, then the rest of her followed, and her little mouth opened but didn't make a sound. I could see the cord wrapped around her neck and they had to cut it quickly and move her to the table before I got a really good look at her. I knew she was okay because I saw her moving, but a few seconds later (which felt like minutes), hearing her cry for the first time was the most relieving sound I've ever heard!
After it was all done and my husband was able to hold our daughter, my doctor came to the head of the table to talk to me and explained that not only was the cord wrapped twice tightly around her little neck, but she'd managed tied a true knot in the cord as well. With her cord being shortened because of the nuchal knots around her neck, the true knot was being pulled tighter with every contraction. (He made a joke about her being a good girlscout already, trying to knit in the womb). Now I know that the chances of a true knot are estimated at just 1-3%. I also know that babies are born every day in every kind of situation who have their cords wrapped multiple times around their necks. In my daughter's case, it was the true knot that made all the difference. An umbilical cord is typically long enough to reach from the attached placenta still inside the mother, all the way to her breast. Some babies, however, aren't blessed with this typical length cord.
For a long time I had a lot of guilt thinking how my body had failed at something that was supposed to be the most natural thing a woman can do, and how we came so close to losing her because of it. But then my sister in law (who always seems to know exactly what I need to hear) told me that it wasn't that my body had failed, but that it saved her life. She told me that if my body had let the baby drop like she was supposed to, and if I had dialated, and if we would have progressed into the final stage of labor- we would have lost her...and she was right. She told me that my body was being a good mother before I was even aware of it. The more medical professionals I speak with, the more I realize what a miracle it is that my daughter is alive. Most comment with, "Oh wow, so she's a miracle baby."
Thinking about it now, if anything had gone according to my well-thought-out plan my sweet girl would not have made it through the birthing process. God knew better than me. He gave me the intuition to know where to be and who to surround myself with. He helped me get over my anxiety of induction, gave me strength through labor, and was there to hold my hand before my support team could make it in the OR (and I have to think he even had a hand in positioning that light so I had a perfect view of everything). What I thought was my failure was actually just my puny human plan giving way to God's much more efficient plan.
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